Palatable excitement

Bismillah ir rahmaan ir raheem

As’salaamu Alaikum wa ramatulahi wa barakatuh

Met an online friend who is doing me a BIG favor and is making me an abaya for FREE!

I am so excited!  Now I will have something to wear to the Masjid when I am ready to go!

Waiting with baited breath on the arrival of my new abaya

I’ve also begun the arduous process of ‘hijabifying’ my wardrobe.

Everything is so exciting right now.

Began discussing wearing hijab with my husband, but it seems he doesn’t support me in wearing it for whatever reason or reasons.

For one he seems to believe that I will be harassed by people, but I don’t think I will really be bothered because there is a pretty sizable Muslim community where I live.  You can go out to any store and I bet you’d see at least 3 Muslim women shopping on any given day, so it’s not like the people around here don’t ever see Muslim women in hijab.

I also think part of the reason is his family.

When I first converted and wore hijab, his mother had a BIG problem with it.  She’s a super Christian (no disrespect intended) who believes that Christ is the ONLY way, so I was sort of an abomination sitting in her living room veiled.

Once I stopped wearing my hijab, and seemed to comply with her Christian standards, only then did she seem happy with me and the path I had ‘chosen’.

I have to admit that reaction from family is a concern for me.  It was so hard to deal with before.

I think it would be easier for me if I had my husband’s support though.

He really seems adamant about my not wearing it.

We’ll see I insha’Allah.  Only time will tell.

Sour mood has lifted

Bismillah ir rahmaan ir raheem

As’salaamu alaikum wa ramatullahi wa barakatu

My last post was rather depressing, but that just seemed to be where I was at the time.

Since then things have gotten loads better.

I am praying more regularly, have reached out to more sisters, and the have reached back with words of encouragement and so on…

I’ve even reconnected with an old (muslimah) friend and we have made plans to hang out with our children one day soon.

Insha’Allah things keep moving in such a positive direction.

That’s it for now, it’s movie night with the hubby.

Ma Salaama

Sometimes I just feel like giving up…

I feel like an outsider in my faith.  I have no Muslim friends – no sisters will stop and talk to me – even when I give salaams.

I feel so lonely most of the time and feel as if I am alone in my faith.

My only wish is to please Allah, but I thought that I would fit in a little better than I am.

This is hard…doing it alone.

I haven’t gone to masjid yet because I’m not really sure what to do once I get there – I’ve never formally been – only for special events back in Orlando.

*Sigh*

I’ve tried reaching out to sisters on Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr and wonder if there is some kind of buddy system I don’t know about that I could join because trying to meet sisters in my area is proving to be very difficult.

There are a few Muslims in my area but all if not most are Arab and I am not sure how I will be received being black.

I feel so lost and I don’t know what to do.

I feel like the lone Muslimah right now.

In a fight for my life and jannah…

Since reverting to Islam, I feel peace easing back into my life and the prospect of this thrills me.  I’m excited to see what the next chapter of my life will bring as I continue to get closer to Allah (swt).

One thing I am quickly learning though is that along with all these good feelings, comes Shaytan slipping in as well.

One thing I have been having trouble with lately has been Salat.

At first I was on it like white on rice, but lately I have been lackadaisical about it.

I am usually very disciplined when it comes to prayer, and excited to do so.

But lately I have been sleeping past Fajr, forgetting Asr, Dhuhr and so on…

It dawned on me today that perhaps my faith is being tried by the devil himself – and I have to fight against the disobedience I have been feeling.

I dunno – I guess it’s just a struggle sometimes that’s all – a jihad of sorts.

Hmm…I guess that’s the best word for it, because that’s just how it feels.

Insha’Allah I will make it past this difficult part and continue to do well with this.

I sincerely hope I do.

Ma salaama

A weighty issue

As’salaamu alaykum wa ramatulahi wa barakatuh

Bismillah ir rahmaan ir raheem

I’m so tired of writing this blog post but…I’m fat!

Ya Allah! Help me, but I figure I have a food addiction and I can’t do this alone.  I will need the guidance of Allah (swt) on this one.

I really need to eat healthier and a lot less.

I also need to incorporatesometype of fitness in my life as well.

Over the past 12 or so hours, I ate a giant candy bar in secret.  *THAT* is not good.

Astagfirallah azeem.

The difference between this time and many other times is now knowing that my behavior is sinful before God and I no longer want to be in that position.  I live to please and serve Allah ta’ala, and that includes eating right and being at a healthy weight.

Like I’ve said before, how can one dress modest when her bum sticks out of her abayas and her stomach fills out her tops?

It ends today, insha’allah!

Looking to the immediate future, insha’allah

Assalaamu alaykum wa ramatulahi wa barakatuh

Bismillah ir rahmaan ir raheem…

Been feeling pretty good lately, mash’allah.

Tired, but good.

Been working really hard, but I am no doubt tired of my job.

I mentioned earlier about wanting to re-open the daycare, but I’m still not sure if that is what I want to do – what I am sure of is that I would like hubby and I would like to start our own business, insha’allah – what ever that may be.

We were talking about it tonight and about our jobs in retail and how they are not going to cut it for much longer.

We just feel that Allah (swt) wants more for us.

The pay sucks, we are barely managing financially, the schedules are horrible, our backs and feet hurt most nights…

We are in the process of bouncing ideas around our heads to find something to move forward on and soon, as I don’t know how much longer either of us can last in the retail world – at least working for others.

I just feel that being business owners would really set a fantastic example for our children.  It will also allow me the free time to be a more available parent to our children.

I would like a shop – selling what exactly, I’m not sure, but it would be nice to run a store.  I mean, we both have years of retail experience, especially my husband – so I know we would be good at it.

I’m in no rush to do so, be I would like for us to get on the ball – sooner rather than later.

If the daycare works out, that would be okay, but I know my heart isn’t truly in it at the moment.  Plus I am looking forward to something we could all take part in – a family business.

That would be good for us, the whole family.

I will continue to make du’a on this front, and to seek guidance from Allah (swt) in regards to these desires.  Insha’allah, it will happen for us.

Until then, we will keep striving for greatness in the jobs we are currently in (sigh).

God willing, things will take off though.

Ma salaama

To veil or not to veil – THAT is the question

Bismillah

This latest foray into Islam is a lot tougher than the last time.

Doing something the second time around is more difficult I guess.

My biggest difficulty to date is whether or not to wear hijab.

Last time, I was a stay-at-home mother and found it easy to transition to wearing hijab – Now, as a working mother, it’s not so easy.  I haven’t begun wearing it yet.

Although my heart longs to, I am just not sure how it will be received where I work by my employer or customers.

I work in retail where I am dealing with customers very closely on a daily basis.  I also live in a very white conservative, closed minded and racist city.

Part of me really doesn’t care, but I just hate answering questions and being stared at.

Insha’Allah I will get past this and be able to do it – I do really want to.

Back when I wore it before, it was like armor for me.  I felt it insulated me and protected me from the world – now I feel unprotected and vulnerable.

I feel left out of the deen in a way – like an imposter.

*sigh*

Yesterday, I saw a hijabi sister come into the store where I work, so I gave her salaams.  Although I was dressed modestly, I was not scarved and felt very insecure about it.  She gave salaams back but looked at me strangely…I can’t help but feel like maybe I should disregard my fears of wearing hijab and just follow my heart.

My husband is concerned about it as well.

He’s concerned that I may be harassed or harmed if I wear hijab out or to work.  We live in a very hostile area.  He stands behind me on whatever I choose, but I know he worries about my safety.

I’m not sure what to do anymore, perhaps I will eventually begin wearing it again, insha’Allah.

Only time will tell.

Ma salaama

Thinking of re-opening my home daycare

Bismillah ir rahman ir raheem

ASA my brothers and sisters!

I have several reasons to support my ‘possible’ decision of running my Islamic Based Home Daycare.

1. I adore children
2. I can be home for my kids
3. I can make good money doing this – more than I am currently making on my retail job.
4. I am good at it.
5. I can control my own hours – for the most part.
6. My husband supports me – it was actually his idea!

Probably more reasons and the fact that am writing about shows that I may definitely head in that direction.

I am miserable at my current job.  The hours are erratic and I don’t feel comfortable wearing hijab there and I don’t feel right not wearing it.

We just have to check with the landlord to see if he’s okay with it.  Insha’Allah, he is.

Ugh…I am so not feeling my job and I’ve got to do something -since my school dropped me.

That’s a whole other blog post, but it is the will of Allah (swt).

One door closes and and another is opened.

Until next time,

Ma Salama

Islam and me: My struggle with my faith

Bismillah ir raman ir raheem.

As’salaamu alaykum wa ramatulahi wa barakatu

5 years ago I reverted to Islam.

I was a good Muslimah – did salaat 5 times a day, everyday, abstained from alcohol, pork and went to Masjid as regular as I could, even boldly wore hijab.

I even began slowly making my circle of friends all Muslimahs.

During that time, I was met with so much opposition from family, acquaintances and even strangers with only my husband to support me.

It was hard.

I prayed about it, I cried about it, but I held on steadfast.

Until…

I had a personal tragedy that wiped me out and I let go and gave up.

I’ve been trying to get back on track since then to no avail.

I constantly think about how hard it was and the looks and snide remarks I was getting from my own family!

It discourages me.

I wish I didn’t care as much as I do.

I even tried the Christianity thing again, even though my heart was not in it – but I did it to please those around me, which was a mistake.  It left me feeling unfulfilled and lonely for the Deen.  I felt like a phony sitting in that church – and I felt as though I were lying to God.

I remember during prayer at the Christian church, I would quietly pray in Arabic to myself.

That’s ridiculous.  I was living a lie.

Although I attended the Christian church to appease others, I never felt more alone.

There’s a sense of belonging, inclusivity  and love within the deen – it’s something I have never experienced before and   I miss it.

I want to get back to that place.

Right now, it’s to the point where I’ve even considered practicing my faith in secret, and to not wear hijab – just to make it easier.  Even though I adored wearing hijab, I am just not sure I am strong enough to go through what I was faced with back then.

I still consider myself Muslim most of the time, I’m just no longer a hijabi and not as obedient as I should be, but insh’allah, I will get back to that beautiful place I once was and find peace with (Allah) God again.

I just pray that the people around me will be more understanding this time around.

They probably won’t be – so I guess I should pray for the strength to just not care at all what they think about my choices anymore.

infidelities…

Life is so unpredictable,yet nothing is truly hidden – lies come out one way or another.
People always let you down – never, ever, ever put your faith in another person, I don’t care who they are- sister,mother,brother, husband- they will all betray your trust,stab you in the back and hurt you in the most deep ways.
I feel like I am dying inside,and all some people worry about is if they are going to get this or that from me ever again…something they left the love and comfort of our own home to get from another woman…
I hate him.
I hate her.
I hate myself for not having the balls to stand up and do something back then.
Now I am living with all the regret, what ifs, and pain from this garbage.
I have asked God over and over again to help me get past this, but he doesn’t seem to be listening to me- or is just unwilling to help me out of this.
I hate this.
It hurts.
If I am dying, then I should just die.
If not, then let me get over it then!
This sucks.
What in the hell am I gonna do now?